The Perfect Gentleman-The Secret Abuser
Over the years I have learned from my own experiences, from researching and also from listening to others, that abusers have certain characteristics and abuse patterns.
Thoughts of an abuser…
While I was in my abusive relationship with Bill, he would actually tell me in detail what was going on in his head when leading up to and during the act of abuse. It was always after the abuse and when he had calmed down, before we talked, but it was alarming to hear how these abusers actually think. It was heart wrenching, chaotic, bizarre and extremely frightening.
It’s like getting a fatal disease…
To me, being involved with an abuser is like getting a fatal disease. You start to see and feel that you’re not quite right. Something is wrong but you can’t put you’re finger on what it is. By the time you go to the doctor, the disease has already rooted itself in your system. You then have a choice: go through hell and try to get rid of it, or live with it and let it eat you up alive.
In some cases, you heal and grow, but with scars. In others, you make it through, but suffer serious after effects. And still in others, you’ve waited too long, so that the disease is too far along and it destroys you.
The strategy of the abuser…
In the beginning, when you first meet these men, they seem too good to be true. At first they seem a little shy toward you, standing back for a while just watching. What they are actually doing is studying you and your actions. When they finally do come over to talk to you, they are very interested in you and everything in your life. They question you about everything and listen attentively to your answers, taking in everything you say, and also connecting with the emotions and feelings behind your answers. The strategy of an abuser is already beginning, and you don’t even realize it.
The perfect man – the secret abuser…
What they are actually doing is “learning you”. Learning your strengths and weaknesses, your wants, desires, and your fears. They ask all these questions so they can use this information as tools later. Tools to first become the man you said you were looking for, and also tools to manipulate, control, and hurt you. Sharing the most important aspects of your life become his weapons to bring you to your knees whenever he feels insecure or weak and wants to manipulate, control and abuse you.
Your thoughts, feelings and life will slowly be manipulated in the next several months. The abuser is taking over, and you don’t even realize it’s happening.
Pay attention…
If you get into a relationship that seems to be moving quickly in the direction of a commitment and it’s one sided, chances are the other person is hiding something from you. Pay attention to times that make that person edgy or short on patience; those are times when they are having to hold in their true self, which is hard for them to do. Within a few months, they can’t maintain the charade any longer, and the “real person” starts to come out.
Watch how this person interacts with other people. Does he treat them with respect…does he treat his parents, family, children and pets with respect. And the most important question to ask…. does he respect his mother. If not…run.
You deserve love and respect…
Let me close in saying this…I left with no money…tons of debt…emotionally beaten up…physically scarred…seriously depressed… and full of fear. Today, I appreciate the little things in life that most people take for granted. I LOVE life again. I am so blessed. All because I knew that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way and I dug up the courage to leave. And I know you can do the same. It’s very empowering to take back your life.
Let me ask you this…
Are you questioning your relationship right now? Have you read any books on abuse such as “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans? If not, please do so. Sometimes understanding what is happening to you can help you move on.
Essential Oil Choice…
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